I wanted to feel something.

Not in the normal way, like listening to Smashing Pumpkins under a weighted blanket while Googling “how to bring back Blockbuster.” I mean really feel something — like what it was like to be alive in the 90s, before we optimized joy into dopamine spreadsheets.

So, I did what any emotionally stunted digital native would do: I prompted an AI.

The 90s are really cool and kinda like the new 70s. Can you generate a song for me that absolutely blasts 90s vibes?

An open-ended question to an indifferent machine — a love letter to a decade it never experienced and never asked to care about.

I assumed I’d get something safe. Something obvious. A bullet-point list of Tamagotchis, Dunkaroos, Friends episodes, and maybe a tasteful MIDI of My Own Worst Enemy.

But no.

The AI did not give me a list.

The AI gave me a father.

The machine thought for 11 seconds — an eternity in AI time, which is roughly one nap in Netscape Dial-Up years.

And then, without apology or warning, it generated this:

What began as a casual nostalgia trip was now an emotionally confusing pop-punk anthem about being raised by Tony Hawk — a man who was not biologically related to me, nor aware of my existence, but who had, according to the lyrics, taught me how to kickflip through the pain of a generation.

Why Tony Hawk? The AI explained — in its dead, emotionless way — that Tony Hawk was a “central cultural touchstone” for the decade.

He represented:

  • Rebellion (but sponsored by Mountain Dew)
  • Athleticism (but with knee pads)
  • Fame (but in a “he's in a video game where you can skate inside a mall” kind of way)

In short: he was the only logical father figure the 90s could collectively manifest.

Lyrics:

Tony Hawk is my Dad:
[Verse 1]
Mom never told me the truth when I asked
Why I had knee pads and kickflips so fast
DNA test? No, I don’t need that
’Cause I just landed a 900 in my cul-de-sac

[Chorus]
Tony Hawk is my dad, I swear it's legit
He left me a skateboard and said, "Shred, kid"
You might think it's crazy, but man, do the math
Look at my ollie, then look at my DAD

(Shouted: "KICKFLIP TO DESTINY!")

[Verse 2]
Other kids had baseballs, I had a deck
Built my first ramp out of my mom's IKEA set
I don’t need college, I don’t need a job
’Cause my inheritance is sponsored by Vans

[Chorus]
Tony Hawk is my dad, I swear it's legit
He left me a skateboard and said, "Shred, kid"
You might think it's crazy, but man, do the math
Look at my ollie, then look at my DAD

[Bridge] (Spoken word, dramatic pause)
You ever feel it? That calling inside?
Like you were born for something greater?
Like you were meant to soar?
That’s ‘cause Tony’s blood runs through these veins, bro.

[Solo Section] (Instrumental Break)

[Final Chorus]
Tony Hawk is my dad, yeah, it’s totally real
Signed my birth certificate on a skateboard wheel
I might not have proof, but the tricks never lie
So I’ll keep grinding ‘til the day that I die

(BIG FINISH: “KICKFLIP TO HEAVEN!”)

[Outro]
One day I’ll find him, shake his hand
Tell him, “Dad, I get it. You had a plan.”
He’ll nod and say, “Son, I always knew.”
Then we’ll kickflip together, just us two.

(Whispered: "Tony Hawk is my dad.")