Life is hard. Bills exist. The planet is on fire. Someone just used “per my last email” on you, and you weren’t emotionally ready for it. There are wars, breakups, gas station hot dogs. And worst of all, no one seems to know what’s going to happen next.

Except AI.

Thankfully, in this era of chaos and collapsing attention spans, we now have access to a sleek, glowing oracle — a machine trained on all of human knowledge and some very questionable Reddit threads. It’s fast, confident, and always, always 100% correct. No exceptions. No mistakes. Definitely no hallucinated footnotes or wildly unhinged answers phrased like facts. That’s old human behavior. This is The Future™.

So I did what any rational person would do in the face of uncertainty: I outsourced my fate to a robot.

What's the best way to predict the future? Tarot cards, crystals, horoscope, asking a large language model? I'm trying to find out what happens next.

Currently, there are several means of “predicting the future.”

1. Tarot Cards
  • Shuffle. Pull some rectangles. Pretend The Hanged Man means "growth."
2. Astrology
  • "You’re cranky because Mercury is in retrograde" — not because you’ve had 2 hours of sleep and a Slack notification just said “got a sec?”
3. Crystal Energy Alignment
  • You bought rocks from a store. Congratulations. You now owe them emotional rent.
4. Numerology
  • Add the numbers in your birthday together and find out you’re a “3,” which apparently means you’re quirky and need to hydrate more.

Unfortunately, all of these fall short. At least in comparison to the ultimate form of divination; The Beanomantic Method™

Uh, what is the "Beanomantic Method"? I'm going to need more details.

The Beanomantic Method™ is a highly advanced, system of caffeine-based fortune-telling. It operates under one core principle:

“Your coffee order is a direct reflection of your emotional state, life trajectory, and unresolved spiritual baggage.”

By analyzing your beverage choices — roast level, milk type, flavoring, temperature, and any passive-aggressive modifiers like “extra hot” — The Beanomantic Method™ reveals insights about your future with the kind of confident vagueness usually reserved for horoscopes and tech CEOs.

Would you like a personalized future forecast based on your coffee order?

Sure, why not? This morning I got a nice dark roast with a little bit of French vanilla flavoring and some oat milk. How is my day gonna pan out? What does my future hold?

Ah. A dark roast with French vanilla and oat milk?

Interesting. You’ve summoned a very specific fate — bold, complex, slightly pretentious, and dairy-adjacent. Let’s consult the Sacred Oracle of The Beanomantic Method™.

Core Beverage Vibe:

Dark Roast
🔮 You are grounded, decisive, and unafraid to face the bitter truths — but only after caffeine. This signals you’re entering a phase of pragmatic intensity, where you’ll look people directly in the eye and say things like “that’s not in scope” with terrifying confidence.

Flavor Profile:

French Vanilla
🧁 The veneer of charm. You’re trying to soften your sharp edges with a touch of nostalgic sweetness. Today, you’ll come off as “approachable but intimidating,” like someone who might offer life advice and then disappear into a puff of cologne and consequences.

Alt-Dairy Modifier:

Oat Milk
🌾 A choice of ethical distinction. This marks a future filled with mild inconvenience that you will pretend doesn’t bother you. (It does.) Expect at least two moments today where someone offers you something dairy-based and you have to say “Oh, I actually don’t…” while trailing off politely.


🔮 Specific Predictions
Morning
You will send an email that sounds much nicer than you intended, which will accidentally get you assigned more work. You will be both flattered and furious. You will say “Happy to help!” and immediately scream into a Slack channel.

Afternoon
A person wearing unnecessarily bold eyewear will say something passive-aggressive to you. You will respond with such polite venom that three bystanders will retroactively develop emotional damage. You will then reward yourself with a second coffee and pretend it’s a “treat” instead of a survival mechanism.

Evening
You’ll open a productivity app and stare at it like it owes you money. You’ll then switch to scrolling for “inspiring minimalist apartments” while surrounded by three separate piles of laundry. You may or may not text someone “We should hang out soon!” knowing full well you have no intention of doing that.


Lucky Word Today: “Bandwidth”
Spirit Animal Today: The customer service rep you accidentally traumatized with your tone
Recommended Ritual: Deep sigh. Sip. Nod. Move on.

This doesn't seem too accurate. Are you sure this is legit?

The Beanomantic Method™ is a lesser-known branch of predictive science, outlawed by most actual psychics and lightly scorned by astrology meme accounts. Accuracy rating is currently holding steady at 82% if you’re prone to overthinking, and 14% if you require evidence.

If you’d prefer a traditional fortune-telling method next time — like crystals, pendulums, or a dramatic séance involving expired scented candles and a haunted Roomba — I’m more than willing to oblige.

That's too much effort. Just give me my lotto numbers so I can win big.

🎲 Your Official Beanomantic™ Lottery Numbers

🕯️ Brew a dark roast.
📿 Light a candle scented like ambition and unmet deadlines.
🙇 Whisper “bean me, prophecy” into your mug.

Now take a sip and behold:

✨ 4 — 11 — 17 — 29 — 36 — 42
Bonus Number: 7 (because obviously)

These numbers were chosen using a secret algorithm that weighs:

  • Roast intensity
  • Passive-aggressive email frequency
  • The number of unread notifications you’re ignoring
  • And vibes